Self-Knowledge and Self-Esteem
Reflection task 13
• Can I answer the questions: who am I and what do I want?
• Do I accept weaknesses in myself?
• Am I mostly content with being me?
Knowing yourself is vital
Self-knowledge is understanding yourself. It means recognising your values, needs, and goals. Knowing ourselves well shows us why we behave and think the way we do. It enables us to better understand and process our feelings. Good self-knowledge can help us overcome fears and understand and accept difference in ourselves and others.
Knowing ourselves can make us see not only our positive traits but also what we need to improve. These characteristics can be accepted and worked on as well. A good self-knowledge is built on accepting all your qualities.
If you don’t know who you are or what you need to be happy, it can be hard to attain. Often we might think our self-knowledge is good, but in fact we behave like we always have, like we are expected, or the way we think we want. The truth can only be reached when we stop and give space to self-exploration. To make life meaningful and comfortable, we need to make it our own.
You can practise self-knowledge by answering the following questions:
- What things are important to me?
- What do I need to feel well?
- What am I good and successful at?
- Which characteristics do I have?
- What’s my attitude towards other people?
- How do I deal with failures and misfortunes?
By improving our self-knowledge, we learn to tell apart our true characteristics from the ones which are not our own. We can ask: Is this really my own trait? How does it manifest in myself or my actions? Am I truly the person people take me for? Can I accept not being perfect?
You’re closer to having a good self-esteem when you face yourself honestly and can also accept the negative qualities in yourself. True self- knowledge is the ground on which you can start building self-esteem. Each chapter in the Life skills course helps you to get to know yourself better and improve your self-knowledge.
We all have self-esteem
Self-esteem is the courage to be yourself, and to act, speak, dress, and think the way you find right. It is also accepting yourself and having the security of being approved by others. A person with good self-esteem knows themselves and appreciates themselves as they are. They also trust themselves. Self-confidence means you accept difficult tasks in which you might fail, but still have the courage to try.
Self-esteem might vary depending on your situation in life, experiences, setbacks, and failures. Self-esteem is built on how we see ourselves. Trusting and respecting yourself are part of self-esteem. One part of self-esteem is valuing your life and seeing it as unique.
Recognising your rights, holding on to them and improving your wellbeing are also related to good self-esteem. It makes you more content with life and makes you feel you’re in control of it. Having a good self-esteem also increases flexibility and tolerance of others.
Self-esteem is one of our most sensitive characteristics. It’s not innate but develops in close relationships through interaction. When we are loved, cared for, and accepted from early childhood, our self-esteem develops and shows the direction for teenage years and later adulthood. Being belittled and judged by your parents or other close or important people, or not feeling accepted may cause low self-esteem.
Having a good self-esteem is a stable base for human development and it has positive effects on our mood and how content we are with our lives. No one has a perfectly good self-esteem, nor should you aim for one. We all have even some self-confidence and self-esteem can be improved throughout life.
A good self-esteem does not
- Show as confident public speaking or visible success.
- Mean merely self-confidence or seeing only the positive things in yourself.
- Mean being brave socially, because someone who is shy or withdrawn can have good self-esteem. On the other hand, your attention-seeking, loud, outgoing, and sociable friend can have low self-esteem behind the façade. Self-esteem is not always visible to others.
- Mean fulfilling yourself at others’ expense.
Me at My Best
Improving your self-esteem
Your self-esteem improves slowly, not instantly by one change or realisation. Improving your self-esteem takes commitment and active processing of your thoughts. There are many ways to improve self-esteem, here’s a few of them:
Taking care of yourself
Self-esteem is based on ability and readiness to take care of yourself. It means recognising your needs, wishes, and goals and having a strong determination to fulfil them. You can start by thinking what you enjoy and how you spend your time. Which nice, fun, and exciting things could you do today? Would you like to go to the cinema or bake something delicious? Doing even small, pleasant things daily can make you more capable of self-care.
The ability to take care of yourself is especially important when you face sorrow and sadness. In these moments, ask yourself: What do I need right now? How could I console myself? Would a warm bath or a hug from friend help me? With these small gestures you can show yourself support even during hard times. Our first chapter supports you in recognising your own needs.
Ssupport and closeness from others
Our self-esteem and self-respect come from within, but it’s also important to feel appreciated by others. Even though others can’t make you feel completely adequate, their acceptance, respect, and support can help you feel more positive about yourself. This means finding people who make you feel good and accepted.
Along with closeness, assertiveness and sticking to your boundaries are important in building self-esteem. They help express others what you want and don’t want. Assertiveness and drawing lines show that you can put your own wellbeing first, in a good way. Assertiveness is described in more detail in the chapter about social skills.
Physical wellbeing
It’s not easy to feel happy if you’re tired and lack energy. Good physical health improves self-esteem and gives you energy to observe other areas of self-esteem. The chapters that have information on eating, sleep, exercise, and relaxing can support you in maintaining your wellbeing.
Recognising and expressing your feelings
Recognising and expressing your feelings help you with self-knowledge. Our emotions bring us information on our desires, wishes, and needs. If we are not connected to our feelings, it’s hard to tell who you are and what you want. If you feel anger, there might be feelings of crossing your boundaries or not being respected behind it. Your emotions always communicate something and giving space to your feelings helps you improve your self-knowledge and self-esteem.
If you are used to suffocating your own feelings, facing them might feel difficult at first. Facing a strong, difficult feeling might mean that you’re onto something. The chapter about emotions features different tools that help you practise processing your feelings.
Positive inner speech
Beliefs and inner speech about yourself influence how you feel about yourself. If your head is filled with negative and critical thoughts, you’ll have a hard time feeling good. You might have a constant thought about never succeeding in anything.
By observing and challenging your thoughts and by concentrating on positive inner speech you can affect the power of these thoughts. You can get help from different affirmations that you repeat with determination. You can for example say: “I am worthy of respect and acceptance” or “If I try, I can succeed”. There’s more information about processing your own thoughts on chapter 9.
Important goals and the feeling of achievement
Reaching aims that are important to you fuels good self-esteem. You can’t build your self-respect on external achievements only, but reaching things meaningful to you affect how you see yourself. Committing to your own goals means taking responsibility for your own life and its course. Your self- esteem will get better if you feel like you are steering your own life.
Take time considering which goals are important to you and making plans. Setting goals also requires the ability to choose. If you’re not used to expressing your will, you might have to practise making even minor choices. You can also practise setting goals by following the tips on the first chapter.
The methods introduced here give you a good opportunity to improve self-esteem. You could go through them and think which methods you are already using and what you could try out next. Start by practising one method. Remember that making changes requires patience and self-compassion. Ask your friends and family for support and seek professional help if needed.